Runt's Rant Page
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Foreign as Hell as far as I'm concerned!
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million ransom.
Otherwise they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
We didn't elect these people to ruin our country by proving they are more stubborn than a mule. The Republicans won't budge? Are you frigging kidding me! I am a Republican and I want every sorry ass SOB that is in office on this date, moved back to his former employment because they aren't any good at what they are doing now. That includes former Presidential candidate John McCain from my home state of
I haven't voted for a Democrat since I found out that Dennis DeConcini was just another crook. I will be voting for any Democrat that opposes a Republican incumbent just to show how pissed I am about what
Join me in voting every incumbent out of office.
The Runt
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. " Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one"
He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, he ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, " Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,
"No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON , D.C.
best line he ever heard there was when this young black kid was being
reprimanded for the last time.
The black youth said to the shop foreman, you're firing me because I'm
black!
The boss said, "No, we hired you because you were black. Were firing you
because you are useless!
He thinks that the kid might have become the President of the United States.
I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
"If we want to keep our nation's secrets 'SECRET,' store them where President Obama hides his college transcripts and birth certificate."
Since Nancy Pelosi will no longer be speaker of the house, she's forced to give up her private jet
to make those trips from Washington DC to San Francisco.....
She'll be flying Southwest from now on because "Bags fly free."
Ann Barnhardt is described as "a livestock and grain commodity broker and marketing consultant, American patriot, traditional Catholic, and unwitting counter-revolutionary blogger. She can be reached through her business at www.barnhardt.biz." She has taken on Islam and they have noticed.
I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero.
I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose, that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs (which would be gay) "The Turban Cowboy" and the other being a topless bar "You Mecca Me Hot".
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and adjacent to that have an open barbeque pork rib restaurant, called something like "Iraq o'Ribs"?
Across the street there could be a very daring lingerie store called Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop "Koranal Knowledge", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store, maybe call it "Morehammered"?
Then the Muslims could be allowed to show their tolerance. Problem solved.
ANNOUNCEMENT
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!","I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled."
And finally Canada is at "That's not nice and please stop" threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to never raise the level any higher so not to offend the terrorists.
I put in a bid for a “Mickey Mouse Outfit,” and now it seems I'm only six minutes away from owning Obama’s entire Cabinet.
ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on
by a different barber,not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a
conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the
one who had Obama in his chair reached
for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying,
'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell
that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'
The second barber turned to Bush and said,
'How about you sir?'
Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't
know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
She asked Chelsea ... "Have you had sex with Marc?"
Chelsea said.... "Not according to Dad" .
What can I add?
I do not like this Uncle Sam,
I do not like his health care scam.
I do not like these dirty crooks,
or how they lie and cook the books.
I do not like when Congress steals,
I do not like their secret deals.
I do not like this speaker, Nan ,
I do not like this 'YES WE CAN.'
I do not like this spending spree,
I'm smart, I know that nothing's free.
I do not like your smug replies,
when I complain about your lies.
I do not like this kind of hope.
I do not like it, nope, nope, nope!
DON'T RENEG !!
NOBAMA!!
( There was a song that went along with this but the owner removed it from You Tube.)
We've just heard that the Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the United States by naming the gap between the tectonic plates beneath Haiti after him.
The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's Fault."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the
"GOVERNMENT"
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."
spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This
is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the
benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was
to have a quick contest.
THE THEME: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally
written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight
variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and
created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the
week went very well for everyone! Talk about raising the morale of employees..
But, isn't that the purpose of Viagra ~~~ raising?
The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to
be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
My personal favorite:
Viagra, For when you want to send the very best.
How the Democrats Destroyed the American Economy
It seems that once again all us white folks have missed a great opportunity.
While the Black people attended Obama's inauguration and parades, we should have broken into their homes and gotten all our shit back.
copyright, 3/24/09
to be homosexual, then it became optional.
I'm getting out before Obama makes it mandatory."
GySgt Harry Berres, USMC
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
An Alternative Approach to Preventing Terrorist Attacks
Nobel Peace Prize recipient Barack Obama recently informed us that if we don’t commit to the war effort in Afghanistan to the tune of 30,000 additional troops, al-Qaeda will take over Afghanistan and turn it into a training ground for terrorists. They would then presumably come here and kill more of us like they did on 9/11.
A more sensible solution might be to simply stop granting al-Qaeda operatives visas to come to America in the first place. All nineteen of the 9/11 terrorists had government-issued visas. How would they have gotten here without them? As desert dwellers, they probably wouldn’t have been capable of swimming across the ocean, and if they managed to construct some ragtag ships, surely our Navy could have spotted and stopped them before they got ashore. Theoretically, they could have snuck in across the Mexican or Canadian borders. Therefore, instead of sending 30,000 more of our young men and women into a war in the armpit of the world, couldn’t they instead just stay here and prevent future attacks by guarding our borders?
Some concerns with this plan are:
1) How do we know who to refuse visas to?
The answer is anyone that is an Arab Muslim. This will involve some racial and ethnic profiling, which members of some political groups (that aren’t on their way to Afghanistan) may find more horrific than war. This moratorium on Arab Muslim visas can be lifted once the jihad is over.
2) If our troops secure the borders, how will nannies and gardeners be able to come to America?
They will have to enter the U.S. legally by filling out an immigration application. This policy change will upset the political groups that fail to understand that there is nothing wrong with Mexico that the Mexicans can’t fix.
3) What about terror cells already in the United States?
Sending more troops to Afghanistan won’t get rid of them. Homeland Security will have to do its job.
4) If we pull out of Afghanistan, won’t it be taken over by al-Qaeda?
Maybe, but since the President announced our withdrawal timeline, al-Qaeda operatives will just hide in the mountains or get some R&R in Iran until we leave and take over anyway. We can’t save Afghanistan unless we’re prepared to stay there indefinitely or to neutralize Iran.
5) Americans want Osama bin Laden’s head. What about our revenge?
Give it up. Osama’s head isn’t worth the life of one more American soldier. Besides, the spread of Islam and its militant faction is a numbers game we can’t win. Let’s cut our losses now and concentrate on protecting our homeland.
Please consider this politically incorrect but more cost-effective and practical alternative to war, and bring it up with your congressman.
Michael R. Rhodanz (retired engineer)
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin
4. Empty the Recycle Bin
5. Your PC will ask you: ' Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?
6. Firmly Click ' Yes. '
7. Feel better ?
It worked on Pelosi!
****
If you have any objections to the contents within, kindly, kiss my ass!