Runt's Rant Page
and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a
bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy
and sad at the same time."
She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."
*****
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.
Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I'll build her a new deck for the pool.
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 AM. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. I love you, too!"
IT APPEARS; MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE!
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Kate and Sarah..
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and
none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing!
First, Second & Third Date
WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and have sex
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists ona 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite oral sex.
Second Date: You get more great oral sex.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and you never get oral sex again.
CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothinghappens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Fourth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, the sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in ... and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
The POINT? DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?The Runt
Why Math Is Taught In School (Written By A Very Wise Man) I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hunghis arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.! That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that as a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off? I think not.
"Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars. O.J & Kobe are walking around, but they take the one woman in
Men are like ....... Weather ....... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ......... Blenders ....... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ......... Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ....... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ......... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ......... Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ......... Mascara ....... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like . ... Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ......... Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ......... Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
husband cavorting around the dance
The young bride approached her awaiting husband
on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their
first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This
scenario was repeated each time they made love
for the next 30 years; him thinking it was a cute
way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her
husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few
minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin
caused by corporate downsizing and its effects on a
50 year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits
and interest for thirty years, totaling nearly $1 million
dollars. Pointing across the parking lot, she gestured
toward the local bank while handing him stock
certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing
him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each
time they had sex, and this was the result of her
investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against
the side of the car. He replied, "If I had known what you
were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"
Men have no idea when to KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT.
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding
items the woman wished to purchase. As she
fumbled for her wallet I noticed a TV remote control
in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal
evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how you can tak! e boiling hot wax, pour
it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to
the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives
know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's
favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop
right here.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and
down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks
if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for
a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down
the correc! t aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a
huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the
counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking
for tampons for your wife."
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I
sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers, 'cause it's sooooooooooo
much cheaper. So I figured if I have to roll my
own...........so does she."
(Of course...I figure this guy is the one on the milk
carton
WIFE vs. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several
miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had
led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
co! ncede their position. As they passed a barnyard
of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
"What?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how
you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the
same time."
The wife responded, "Let me explain. God made me
beautiful so you would be attracted to me, and he
made me stupid so I would be attracted to you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent
quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
"Be careful," he s! aid to his wife, "You will bring
out the beast in me."
"So what?", his wife shot back,"Who is afraid
of a mouse?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and his wife were having an argument about
who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said,"You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait so long to get
our coffee."
The husband said," You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is
your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies," I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several
pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in
Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either
masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la
casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz." A student
asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into
two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for
themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a
feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely
be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term
memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(No chuckling... this gets better!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers
should be Masculine ("el computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won
A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she
wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection
of pink curtains.
He shows her many kinds and different fabrics of curtains she finally
picks out a pink floral pattern.
The blonde, however, says none of the choices will work. "They're all
much too big!"
The salesman asks, "What size do you need?"
She says, "15 inches wide, 12 inches high."
He exclaims, "15 by 12 inches? ......What room are they for? Even
bathroom windows are usually larger than that!"
She says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer monitor."
The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need
curtains."
The blonde says, "HELLooooooo.........I've got Windows.!!"
A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on
the TV and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer.
It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You b _ _ _ _ _ _!
You waltz in here, flop your fat a _ _ down, don't even say hello to me
and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that
I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Damn, it's started."
The other side of the coin.
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.
His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. ! ; In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked,"What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?" Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
Corrected fairy tale.
This is the fairy tale that we should have been
reading as little girls.
Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and setup housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever
feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't frigging think so...
One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river and her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "Why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and she needed the thimble to make her living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
"The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out the
Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh, Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious, "You lied! That is an untruth!" "This is NOT your husband!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise Then if I said 'no' to him you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S WHY I said yes to Mel Gibson."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason and for the benefit of others.
That's our story and..., we're sticking to it!
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn
chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the
lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was
so outraged at this that she came over and shouted
at me, "You should be hung." I took a drink from my
can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips,
lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared
directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly
replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."
__________________________________
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on
sale one day, he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything
different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks,
a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's so different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE?!
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Ya shoulda bought a hat